IT Manager: Self-Importance Justifies 'Honey Monkey Heads'

WASHINGTON, May 23 - Douglas Helfgot, an unheralded dreamer known mainly to the stalwarts of Toledo Lounge and Fox and Hounds, today announced plans for a blog devoted to his day-to-day existence. The serial will be known as 'Honey Monkey Heads' and cater to people who've been to China but in reality know absolutely nothing about the place.

"It's empirical: my bowel movements are of great interest to defecators worldwide. This, among the other peculiarities of my digestive tract - and any additional tracts as yet unknown - will engross a broad range of first-year medical students, as well as sentient tapeworms," said Helfgot, by day an IT professional with Cable Titan, Inc.

He stressed that his musings, while focused on the scatological during today's sparsely attended press conference, will not be restricted to this realm. "No output from my body's numerous orifices will go undiscussed - that is my weblog guarantee!" Helfgot's lawyer, Edison Overstreet, quickly undercut this claim, noting that nothing blog-worthy normally emanates from the medulla oblongata. Nonetheless, the comment still earned a rousing response from the group of apathetic teens bused in for the event from Ronald Wilson Reagan Washington National High School of the District of Columbia, courtesy of Principal Rick Long's innovative detention release program, "No Sex Before Six P.M."

Beyond the often unseemly by-products of natural biological processes, Helfgot promised insightful commentary on the overlooked aspects of "our socioeconomic and poli-tainment milieu" and expressed special hope for "stimulating" posts involving ad-hominem attacks and schadenfreude.

"Let's face it; there's nothing more amusing than a forceful kick to the genitals, as long as the genitals are not your own." At this, Mikey Benson, a hulking twenty-one-year-old sophomore at National High, extinguished like his fifth cigarette and declared, in a surprising if inexact display of linguistic dexterity, "Non-sequitur!" before lighting up yet again and texting his "bitch." No one - definitely not this reporter - bothered to inform him of the Rhode Island Avenue Inn's no-smoking regulation, nor to correct him when he later referred to the ceiling tiles as "non-sequitur pieces of shit."

Honey Monkey Heads goes "live" Tuesday, May 24, and will be updated daily, "Monday through Friday, barring holidays, unplanned benders, laziness, planned benders, and the rites normally embraced by disgruntled IT managers."