Daily, Once a Week... Who's Counting?

Just don't toss me in there with the burgeoning class of world-weary American husbands, whose failure to perform their matrimonial duty - say, more than once a week, according to Gladys and Inez at Pan American Laundry - has condemned us both to a Republican majority AND Desperate Housewives. Think about it - why else would an otherwise sensible woman vote DeLay?

Guys, get with the program; love your women... Biblically! Even The Hammer would approve.

Of course, ol' Tom is probably fuming over the Senate compromise preserving the minority's right to filibuster judicial nominations, a deal which, sadly, ended that chamber's struggle to debate no meaningful legislation before Memorial Day. Alas, no one tells John McCain what to do, not the VietCong and certainly not Bill Frist. Well, okay, maybe George Bush (43 vintage), but that's only because he can help with the '08 presidential race. Maybe. Otherwise, McCain's one independent motherfucker.

So let's toast the "extraordinary circumstances" under which the Democrats may someday filibuster without fear of Republican retribution. My money's on next week. That's when they'll discover that John Bolton (our UN ambassador-designate), among his numerous unappealing personal traits, has yellow-cake uranium concealed in the wirey spindles of his mustache! Oh, the conflict! Somehow, I suspect we haven't heard the last of the so-called nucuelar option.

But still, kudos go to the maverick moderates, whose compromise language evinced some really new thinking on the notion of "last resort" in American legislative circles. Now the Democrats will have little recourse when, under normal circumstances, they wish simply to be dicks. For that, conservatives everywhere should be very pleased indeed.

Coming soon... Original ideas!

IT Manager: Self-Importance Justifies 'Honey Monkey Heads'

WASHINGTON, May 23 - Douglas Helfgot, an unheralded dreamer known mainly to the stalwarts of Toledo Lounge and Fox and Hounds, today announced plans for a blog devoted to his day-to-day existence. The serial will be known as 'Honey Monkey Heads' and cater to people who've been to China but in reality know absolutely nothing about the place.

"It's empirical: my bowel movements are of great interest to defecators worldwide. This, among the other peculiarities of my digestive tract - and any additional tracts as yet unknown - will engross a broad range of first-year medical students, as well as sentient tapeworms," said Helfgot, by day an IT professional with Cable Titan, Inc.

He stressed that his musings, while focused on the scatological during today's sparsely attended press conference, will not be restricted to this realm. "No output from my body's numerous orifices will go undiscussed - that is my weblog guarantee!" Helfgot's lawyer, Edison Overstreet, quickly undercut this claim, noting that nothing blog-worthy normally emanates from the medulla oblongata. Nonetheless, the comment still earned a rousing response from the group of apathetic teens bused in for the event from Ronald Wilson Reagan Washington National High School of the District of Columbia, courtesy of Principal Rick Long's innovative detention release program, "No Sex Before Six P.M."

Beyond the often unseemly by-products of natural biological processes, Helfgot promised insightful commentary on the overlooked aspects of "our socioeconomic and poli-tainment milieu" and expressed special hope for "stimulating" posts involving ad-hominem attacks and schadenfreude.

"Let's face it; there's nothing more amusing than a forceful kick to the genitals, as long as the genitals are not your own." At this, Mikey Benson, a hulking twenty-one-year-old sophomore at National High, extinguished like his fifth cigarette and declared, in a surprising if inexact display of linguistic dexterity, "Non-sequitur!" before lighting up yet again and texting his "bitch." No one - definitely not this reporter - bothered to inform him of the Rhode Island Avenue Inn's no-smoking regulation, nor to correct him when he later referred to the ceiling tiles as "non-sequitur pieces of shit."

Honey Monkey Heads goes "live" Tuesday, May 24, and will be updated daily, "Monday through Friday, barring holidays, unplanned benders, laziness, planned benders, and the rites normally embraced by disgruntled IT managers."